The Preludes to Assaults
by eatonhamilton
Feel free to share. Note this essay and my other essays on violence are collected here at the site on my page: On Violence.
#gomeshi #ghomeshi #ibelievelucy #IStandWithLucy #BillCosby #hairextensions #truthmatters #rapeculture #cndjustice
Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted]. I don’t know you very well, but I know this: one night in early 2004, after I’d been awarded a writing prize in Ottawa, you followed me to a side room annexed to the main hall, where I’d gone to get away from the crowds, and while my (then) wife was in the bathroom or off getting another drink, I’m not sure, you put your hand on me. That hand. One of the very hands that is being discussed in court this week. You closed the distance between us and you massaged my shoulder/neck while talking to me about how I needed to relieve the stress of my big win. Eventually my (then) wife returned, you dropped your hand (that hand), and we smiled politely and “uh-huh’d” while you bashed the Rockies, BC and, in particular, Vancouver.
You didn’t ask me if you could massage me. I guess you assumed you could touch me. The way men, the entitled 50%, have always assumed they could access women’s bodies at will. You were a star, and your status helped me to tamp down my resistance. I don’t know why the hell you picked me, as I had just been on stage thanking my (then) wife; I was obviously queer and out and significantly older. Maybe I was just the only woman alone during that function? I do know that a number of other men, and people elsewhere on the gender spectrum, have previously in my life singled me out for non-respectful interactions. The truth is, I did not step back, Jian Gomeshi, you [redacted], and I excoriate myself for that now. I should value myself more.
I was taught to be polite. I was taught to smile and nod and always, always be friendly. I was told that friendliness could get me out of pinches, even save my life, and indeed, through the years, this mostly proved to be true. Doing what men tell you to do is just a good idea. Not doing what they tell you to do can be disastrous.
I wish it weren’t so, because they would be illuminating, but stats for close calls don’t exist. The binds we’ve escaped because of our own instinct or intelligence or cunning remain undocumented.
Let me talk about what you touching me was and was not, Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted]. Because you had followed me and waited until I was alone to approach, what you did was strange and mildly unsettling. I felt a sense of disquiet. But given my sexual orientation and marital status, I also didn’t take what you did particularly seriously. That night I stayed up with another Canadian literary luminary getting drunk and laughing until 4 a.m. He certainly didn’t massage me and I’ve never written a post about his bad behaviour, nor would I. Guess why? There wasn’t any.
Okay, Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], I get that what you did to me was not a charge-able assault, or, arguably, even an assault. I didn’t take it as one, then, and I don’t now. But I’m going to tell you what it was. It was the something else that so many of us experience 1000 times a year as Canadian people assigned female at birth, and trans–and let’s name it for what I now believe it was: the prelude to a potential assault.
The preludes to potential assaults are these: language or behaviour or touching that create in their targets vague senses of unease that we “get over” as the day or week wears on. There is so much of this kind of crap slung in women’s directions in the average day that often we don’t even bother mentioning an encounter. We don’t tell our spouse. We don’t tell our employer. We don’t call a friend. Because these little infractions against our sovereignty, these thousands of small infractions, intended to train us to patriarchy, are par for the course. But we all understand what they’re actually telling us: they’re actually reminding us about what could happen.
If, say, we get uppity. If, say, we say no. If, say, we fight back. If, say, he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
A year before you massaged my back, Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], you allegedly hurt Lucy de Coutere. And there were alleged other victims, too. With that same hand you extended to me. With that very same hand you used to caress me. If the allegations are true, you wrapped that hand around victims’ throats and choked them. If the allegations are true, you used one of your hands to slap and punch your victims.
But guess what, Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], let me tell you something about society. There are lingering effects to minor harrassment. Harrassment is a bridge built of a substance called continuum that Canadian women walk over every day of our lives from the day we are pushed into our pink worlds to the day we close our eyes the last time. And on that bridge are guys, nice guys, scum nozzles, and turds rolled in sprinkles. On that bridge of spectrums are guys (and some others) with their hands out, fingers waggling. Guys demanding we pay the toll. We’ll let you cross, they say, but only if you’ll smile. Only if you’ll give us a little kiss. Only if you’ll stop a minute and chat. Only if you’ll go home with us. If you want an “A.” If you want that promotion. Only if you get scared, because we appreciate scared. Only if we get to bash you in the head, throttle you, rape you and leave you for dead.
They say, We know you like it. They say, You asked for it.
You know what this mountain of harassment (and worse) does to the harried? It makes us queasy. It makes us question our interpretations. It makes us question our importance. It makes us scared to go out at night. Nervous to walk our own streets. Careful to lock our windows. It makes us tamp ourselves down.
It does all that because it’s meant to do all that. That’s exactly what it’s for.
The truth is, we aren’t fully enfranchised members of society, Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted].
This all has a name, this systemic oppression. It’s called misogyny, and in Canada we need an inquiry* to untangle its octopedal arms so we can root it the hell out of our country, and unfasten our institutions from it. Imagine the productivity here if all our population was equally enfranchised. Not 50%, or 60%, or 80%, but 100%?
Really, Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], I want you to stop and think about that. I want you to imagine a different world, a world where one class of people can’t get away with (allegedly) treating another class of people violently.
Because right now, in part because of you, Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], we people who’ve experienced violence are triggered. We are not just thinking about your behaviour, and your lawyer’s behaviour, we are thinking of so many other times in our lives where someone else has behaved badly, where someone didn’t respect and honour us.
Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], this is all coming back up for us, all at once, until it pools like another Canadian ocean under that bridge men have been having us walk, tying us together across the country in one collective wave. We are thinking about times someone followed us onto the bridge. Times we were groped. Times we were pressured. Times we were coerced. Times we were held against our will. Times we had brusies. Times we were battered. Times we were raped.
This collective will says, We are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.* Pretty soon, if we have our way, you guys with your baitings and assaults are all going to tumble off that bridge and drown in a big cold ocean of women rising up.
Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], ours is a world that celebrates the male. You know what else is part of our oppressive system? Not letting women drive, or vote, or own property, or go out without male accompaniment. Saying that girls are not good at math, giving girls passive toys, not letting women go to unversity, glass ceilings, few female politicians, women earning less than men for work of equal value, women bearing the brunt of child-rearing and housework, women who perpetuate stereotypes even as they obtain jobs where they could change them.
All that stuff we call sexism? That is just misogyny written in semen. Men like you built the world. You built it to work for you. And it works for you most of the time.
We are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.*
Some men are up in arms this week, cautioning Canadian women to calm the fuck down. Don’t get your sweet little heads all in a tizzy, they say, in Canada we have something called due process. This is supposed to happen to complainants in court. Ultimately, it protects all of us.
In Canada, during due process, victims get psychologically battered, and we, the potentially violated, are standing upright while court is in session, quite out of order, and questioning that. We are saying This is not okay. This is an abridgement of Canadian values and Charter freedoms.
We are saying to the survivors of spectrum violence and to the brave, fierce women in court: We believe you and we stand with you and our support will never waver.
Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], isn’t this quite the amazing system men have developed for themselves over the centuries? This system where women are achingly vulnerable, taught from a young age to submit, while the other half of the population (and a few strays from our side) takes advantage? Because let’s face it, what our patriarchy requires more than convictions, and we all know it, is an intact status quo.
So Jian Ghomeshi, you [redacted], thanks for the back rub. But just so’s you know: I’m an anti-fan.
*A Canadian inquiry on misogyny is the idea of barbara findlay, QC
*adapted from “Network,” the movie
This talk talks about violence as a men’s issue and I recommend it highly: Jackson Katz’s Ted Talk
If you are trying to understand abusive minds, I recommend this book highly, whether your abuser is a man, a woman or someone on the continuum: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
Here is a very good blog post about this situation: Bone, Broth and Breastmilk
For people worrying about due process, this article, citing rape conviction stats in Canada: 1 in 1000:
What’s Really on Trial in the Jian Ghomeshi Case by Anne Kingston
[…] awards. The following article, first posted February 5, 2016, is reprinted with permission from her website. Background on the on the Jian Ghomeshi trial is available on […]
[…] The Preludes to Assaults […]
[…] Jane Eaton Hamilton writes about preludes to assault. […]
[…] The Preludes to Assaults […]
As a father raising three boys to be respectful of everyone, I thank you for this piece. All that ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘that’s what men do’ crap can go down the drain with the rest of the misogynistic hooey men have hidden behind to just do what they want for millenia.
My take: Women “let” oppression happen for the same reason certain people vote for right-wing politicians. Those certain people are poor, uneducated and disadvantaged, but proud. The payoff to pretend is better than fighting it. We’re not biologically equipped to be heroes, and we’ll survive much longer. It’s Stockholm Syndrome.
Not a bad interpretation. I’m not so sure that we come to identify with the oppressor, as in Stockholm Syndrome, as much as we learn not to dig ourselves further into trouble ~ learned helplessnes.
Thank you Jane.
[…] piece by Stacey May Fowles on what it’s been like to watch your friend on the stand. And Jane Eaton Hamilton shares her thoughts on the situation and “the preludes to assault.” Finally, three prominent lawyers wrote in the Toronto Star about how the current legal system […]
riot on, jane!
THANK YOU for your eloquent article – for putting into words the thoughts and desperate feelings of so many “powerless” women
Reblogged this on Political Side of Life and commented:
Ghomeshi and his sexual assaults spanning 25 years. Another story to read alongside the trial. Canadaland has an article on various emails Jian wrote to his victims to make sure they felt guilty and too ashamed to go to the police. Thank you Jane Eatin Hamilton. Thank you for speaking up when it is so hard to do.
This trial makes me ashamed to be a male in this country called the “second best country in the world in which to live.” Best for whom? It is surely not for the 50% of our population that is female. What a lousy justice system. Shame on all of us.
bloody well done! from an early childhood, a forming female, stamped indelibley the male dominance. so much pain to express and no outlet.
Thank you for this.
So very well stated, Jane! I doubt there is any woman in our “free” country who hasn’t experienced this type of disrespectful, demeaning assault. As a young nurse this was common with “doctors” often in the position of authority. I’ve had it happen with police officers as I often had to encounter them in my work as an ER Nurse. I kept quiet, kept the peace–didn’t want to ruffle any feathers! You have nailed it here in this item an I, somehow, feel a sense of justice in having read your words! Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you for standing up, you are not alone and when you speak for yourself you speak and advocate for us all. I am crying and grateful and so so frustrated.
Until men understand it, it won’t stop. My 20-year-old nephew, who is a very nice and well-raised young man, doesn’t get it. He read a similarly-themed post, and then commented,”I call bullshit.” I immediately told him that until he lives as a woman, he has no right to say that, that every woman has experienced the tickle of a potentially violent encounter. 90% of men are polite and respectful, but how do you know who the other 10% are? The 10% who believe that since you’re a woman, and he has a penis, he’s entitled to take what he wants? Who assumes that your polite reply, as we are taught to do, is actually saying, “Sure, I’ll sleep with you!” Or, if you listen to that little voice that says, Uh uh, keep your distance,and you don’t respond politely, you’re likely to get the “hey bitch, who do you think you are?” I’ve had this discussion with my own two sons, and I think they get it. I hope so. We all need to have this talk with our own sons – AND daughters – and try to change the next generation. And the next and the next, until it ends.
Jane…Thank you …when I was reading this article I felt every emotion possible…I have lived a life of abuse and struggle every day one way or another in dealing with the scars of my many battles. Thank you Jane for sharing a piece of you…respect.
There is a special place in hell for women who do not support other women says Madeline Albright….to JG’s lawyer.
Not only tremendous, intelligent and caring support for Lucy de Coutere, but also the truth for those tempted to keep eyes closed and mouths shut. Subtleties in semen have scared and silenced too many for too long through unspoken sneakiness and sophistic speech. The blindness of both sexes needs a hand.
Reblogged this on Julie Burtinshaw and commented:
Thank you Jane for saying what we all know to be true.
[…] judged on their post-assault actions. So many are doing that much better than I could – read this, by Jane Eaton Hamilton and this, on The Nib, and this, by Anne […]
I am now 72 years old. In 1951 my mother took me to the doctor for tonsillitis. He insisted on seeing me alone and proceeded to tell me to take my underpants off ! I wouldn’t and backed into the corner with a chair in front of me and screamed. Incident #2 was a man who grabbed me and attempted to remove my underwear himself but I got away. #3 was a dentist when I was 13, who much to dismay went on to become the team dentist for an NHL team. My mother never came to my rescue, too into the men are the boss fiction. The ultimate came at age 23 when I was abducted by a man (?) with a gun and raped….. Not to mention all the sexual comments and unwanted touching too many to mention… Through all this, I developed a strong sense of self protection but not before getting married to a control freak who tried to kill me 3 times that I know of, almost succeeding the third time. I got out and stayed single ( happily ) the rest of my life. I don’t know why I felt I had to share this but your article moved me. thank you.
Thank you for sharing. Because no one protected you and assured you and your instincts is why you continued to encounter and endour the abuse. You alone are enough. I wish you happiness and health.
Thank you for sharing your story Irene. Like you, I have shared my story because I have come to believe that keeping quiet does more harm than speaking up.
Thank you Jane for putting into words a powerful and compelling call to action.
Thank you. And yes, all true.
Exceptional piece of writing.
There is no excuse whatsoever for what happened to you. Good on you for standing up and speaking out … hopefully, you’ll encourage other women to stand up to those who made victims out of them.
Thank you for this. Brilliant.
(((Standing ovation))) thank you so much for writing what I was thinking! Well done!
this is so freeing, were not gonna take it any more, fit,s perfectly.
Thank you so much for saying the truth so clearly.
I believe that touching someone without their permission is a form of assault, whether implied or deliberate – especially if the touched gets that gut feeling of unease that all is not quite alright or ok. Listen to the gut! I also think his lawyer has taken on all the negative attributes of the male persona and has forgotten her female dignity in tearing the complainants apart.
Amazing! From another anti fan.
Jian Ghomeshi is not a man, he is an animal! I hope other victims (and we know there are more) will stand up and speak out. My heart aches for the women undergoing cross examination on the stand and I pray they will not be broken by this. What they have done is something amazing! Bravo, bravo, bravo.
I have also been a victim of this kind of unwanted touching by both men and lesbians and have observed it in the literary program at the Banff Centre by a male poetry instructor. Thank you for making the uncomfortability clearer in a semi-public forum.
Excellent. As one of the many, one of the almost all, the truth of every observation of misogyny makes me want to shout out, What would our lives be like without this oppression from birth?
Excellent blog. Very good points made.
Jane … you have given me voice to carry a message….your words inspire and instill the fire in me again!! We need to support one another…I love these words especially: ” Hold out your helpful, steadying hands, Canadians of privilege, so that those in need may grasp them.”
Thank you for writing about a subject that hits home for more people than it should. I have my own terrifying experiences that affected my being in all aspects profoundly. I cannot help to think of our misssing and murdered Aboriginal women who at one time before colonisation may have been honored and respected. I have understood that I need to love and stand beside my fellow women as we are all sisters. I have found that no man will ever understand me as a woman does. I cannot judge women who stay and endure the abuse at the hand of a man as I have been there. When my self esteem was so damaged and I believed all the negativity thrust upon me as the result of a man’ s insecurity. The criminal justice system in our country is also to blame as the women who come forward are re-victimized all over again in part with character assasinations and what I believe is still a double standard. The punishment for crimes against women and children do not appear to be seriously punishable. This in my opinion is again women and children are viewed as less than and secondly it it far more costly to incarcerate the perpetrators as these crimes are viewed as heinous by fellow inmates and they require protective custody. Why is there always more support for the perpetrators than the victims? It makes it easy to understand why there are many abuses that go unreported. I believe a campaign by women for women is in order to honour ourselves and for our great contributions and to stand up for all women and loudly roar enough we will not stand for this anymore!
Lead the march, sister!
What I find especially sad and troubling is that there are far, far more strays from the other side who are making progress for women almost impossible. The women traitors (like JG’s lawyers) who side with and act like men and are the most troubling factors here. I live in the midst of these kinds of powerful women, and can say they are more the undoing of women’s rights than men because they are an enemy more difficult to discern. Women who support other women are angels of grace, few and far between, so thank you JEH for being one of them.
Reblogged this on Indie Lifer and commented:
A poignant post.
Gomeshi was arrested while I was working on the final edits of my third novel, which dealt with, among other things, sexual assault involving a high-profile victim and perpetrator.
When the Gomeshi scandal broke, it chilled me to see how closely life can mimic art. I’d never heard of Jian Gomeshi before the CBC fired him, but I was no stranger to men who believe they’re entitled to take what they want from women without consent.
Thank God for the honourable men who stand up for women and for the courageous women who speak up about this. Silence is the abuser’s conspirator.
I am thankful that the brown-ness of Jian Ghomeshi opens a conversation for white Canadians about violence against women. The intensity of Canada’s reaction to Jian’s transgressions is good for Canada and Canadian women. On the other hand I understand now why African Americans hoped Simpson wouldn’t be punished for killing his wife. Native women who are raped by white men in positions of authority do not make the front page.
The fact that Canada is speaking and hearing the truth of violence against “women” is a good thing. That being said, as a brown woman I wouldn’t be sad if he got off. As a brown man I hope the laws that protect the white also protect him and therefore me… it means for me that even if he is brown and they are nice white women he won’t be protected less than a white man.
I often wonder if the vehemence of our hatred for JG is related to racism. My own, as well.
Thank you so much
Oh Jane, how I thank you for your eloquence and clear eye.
We are done- done with this ancient burden. Men are just going to have to get with it.
I must say, I find the conduct of his lawyer makes me sick to my stomach. How sick and twisted does this person have to be to defend him?
Thank you so much. Like Brenda Seymour, I was a fire fighter, and fought a public, but relatively unpublicized, battle against our then fire chief, Robert Bennett, and the District that had hired him. Two other women from my department stood up with me, and together, in court, we recounted the years of verbal and physical harassment, unwanted touching, groping, and attempted rape at the hands of this prick. We were vilified by our town. By standing up to the problem, we became the problem. Everything you said above is so true – we heard it all. Our story was eventually picked up by CBC’s The 5th Estate (episode titled “The Fire Within”). Altho it generated some very good response, it still was not enough to really capture the mainstream newmedia’s attention… until Brenda. She is not the first to stand up to this type of behaviour in the male dominated fire service (we beat her to the punch by 2 1/2 years, and Liane Tessier by 10 years), but she is the first that the media has deemed newsworthy. She is the first to be given national attention… Finally, the world is starting to take notice. Finally, maybe, we can motivate our silent supporters to start speaking out – loudly so that our voices will no longer be drowned out by the ignorant that wish to perpetuate the misogyny.
Great article. Thank you. I am feeling really triggered by the Ghomeshi trial and the character assassination these women are going through. I think of how many times have I been assaulted by a man and had to pretend that everything was alright in order to prevent further beatings and abuse. Or how many times I’ve had to pretend I wasn’t sickened by sexual harassment on the job and had to bide my time in order to get another job and leave. It just chills me to the bone how judgmental people are. Where I live there is NO sexual assault crisis centre and neo-liberal cutbacks have eroded a lot of the community-based supports that used to exist in the 70s and 80s. There is simply no language about sexual assault or space in which to express outrage, and when we do speak out, we are silenced by corporate policies and processes that protect abusers. Watch “The Hunting Ground” for an example.
I hasten to add that someone who feel “comfortable” putting his (or her) hands on others in that way may be quite as willing to force more on them. Such touching is often as much a testing of the boundries of another person’s comfort zones, putting at ease (or even ill-at-ease) a potential victim.
That person may well be the same person who, in a slightly more private place takes it a step further into actual assault. He was honing his craft. And he probably genuinely thinks that that is how “seduction” works. He may, like some rapists, think of it as “how sex happens”.
I was assaulted by someone at a New Years party, in a room where I had gone to get away from the noise for a few minutes. I was followed in and without a word, he jumped me. I was surprised at myself for the force I was able to summon. I think I broke his nose. I am also sure that he had tested the waters elsewhere, with other women. In this case, there was no pretext. No lead-up. There was a purpose. He very badly miscalculated his victim.
This is so great and such an important contribution to the ongoing discussion regarding the case. It’s so important that we recognize that this is not an isolated incident but actually part of a set of expectations that our society currently places on women.
One thing I’d like to challenge though is your note about this being something particularly faced by people who are assigned female at birth – trans women and other trans feminine people who were assigned male at birth also experience staggeringly high rates of sexual violence (in some cases as high as 50% of trans women have reported experiences of sexual assault) and frequently report experiencing this punitively as part of “being a real woman.”
I think that this requirement or expectation to be passive and receive unwanted physical / sexual attention absolutely applies to all women, not just cis women, as well as other people who may be perceived to be women whether they are or not (eg. trans people who were assigned female at birth). Sexism places everyone who is not a man beneath men, regardless of their designation at birth.
You are absolutely right to challenge my inadequacies here and I thank you for so doing. I was wrong. Trans woman, along with anyone perceived as female, including feminine gay men, have been having a hard time of it forever, and I lost sight of that. I hope all of us realize that we are one people, and fight as hard as we can every day for trans inclusion. Hold out your helpful, steadying hands, Canadians of privilege, so that those in need may grasp them.
Thank you for this very much needed read. It didn’t really occur to me much that a woman is usually raised to be complacent and agreeable, which can translate into not standing up for herself or feeling guilty if she does.
Women’s issues have advanced so much over the last decades and it will continue. Thanks again.
I thank you, Jane Eaton Hamilton, from the bottom of my heart.
You’re so right in saying that this type of touching and behaviour from men is not outright assault. However, it is unsettling and leaves us confused. It’s invasive of our personal space. We don’t always see it as abusive in the beginning. We’re puzzled and try to rationalize it as they’re under stress or we don’t understand them. Their Jeckyl and Hyde personalities leave us rattled and wondering if we’re not the ones triggering their behaviours. As you say, if we gtet too uppity about it can also place us in a dangerous situation. It’s happened to me more times than I can count. I think this is one reason women are so vigilant by nature. We instinctively know what can happen. But I have now learned through painful experience to avoid this type of contact and attention from any man. I’ve also learned to avoid men with over-the-top mood swings. And, most importantly, I’ve learned to trust my gut instincts. If it doesn’t feel or seem right… It’s not for me. I understand Ms. Couture’s memory blanks. I’ve walked in her shoes. I’ve been asked why I continued being in the same place as the abuser and not letting on… I no longer have memory blanks. I no longer worry about upsetting anyone. I am no longer afraid. I’ve found my nerve. It sits nicely on my backbone. And I never look back anymore. If they don’t like my uppity reaction, it’s their problem and theirs alone. These men need to catch up to 2016. I know I have.
If someone touches you in any way, can’t this be assault?
I feel like touch is enough to warrant this label (I am not in law enforcement… and don’t really know.) .
Jian, shame on you. Stand up and be a person for a change. I do not say “man” because I do not want to insult the other men out there who are good people.
Well said. For all the morbid curiosity watching this slow motion train wreck, it’s good to hear that no matter what nice things may have happened before or after, it’s never okay to slap, grab, choke or even caress without consent. Period. That makes him guilty of a crime. He’s fighting for his life, literally, facing life in prison, for what amounts to far less than a real common assault (if I get hit in the face with a broken bottle in a bar as a bystander to a bar fight, how long would a one-time non-violent offender with no record get? Jian should get less than that, and considering his comeuppance is victory in itself, do you truly think he should spend years in jail? He should be sentenced to read the above story out loud 1,000 times – on the radio.
An outstanding piece, Jane. You really captured the essence of what it is to be female living in a patriarchal world. Thank you.
Bravo Jane Eaton Hamilton! Yes, we’ve had enough. Most of us of an age were taught to be ‘good little girls’ and then submissive, obedient women. I wish I had thought to question the set-up more deeply years ago instead of realizing way too late that we don’t have to be molded to anyone else’s ideal. We are just fine the way we are! We’re on a roll now!
Thank you. So well stated!
You are right. We are , I am , have been thinking of the literally countless transgressions on my body, on my person. I think I must have lost count, ( but who counts? We all do. ) by the time I was 10 years old. Thank you for your eloquence. It doesn’t help the hurt from the past, but it fuels my fire….a fire I have been tending for so many, many years.
Truth.
Thank you so much for sharing. This is a brilliant piece.
We do know why he picked her. Because she was publicly successful and rent owned in her field, because she was older, because she was respected and honoured, because she was celebrating her own accomplishments and feeling good and safe and secure in her world, because she was unabashedly queer and confident in it. Because she was a she.
We know why he did it. To remind her just where she was on the social spectrum, on the industry ladder, that her status was nothing compared to his, that her bodily boundaries didn’t exist for him, to throw her off balance, to put her back in her place to remind her that no matter what all the trappings might seem to,say, he could steal it all away from her, here in the room filled with people with your spouse feet away, with a touch. He wanted to punish her for violating her purpose on earth by being queer, making herself unavailable to him.
His message was clear. I will make a direct and powerful attack on her very identity, because she threatens my masculinity and I need to reassert my dominance in it.
Tonight you were vulnerable to his fragile ego simply by being a strong, successful, confident, queer woman in a field he desired.
Well said, Ellen.
Wow- you are brilliant! This analysis is spot on!
Very powerful – thank you ❤
Nailed it, thanks
Sadly that’s it, exactly!
I suspect you’re right, Ellen, though I hadn’t thought of it that way.
I once was patted on the behind by a co-worker in a trusted position, he was standing with two of his co-workers (RCMP), I turned and said “Don’t touch what you can’t afford” that’s all it took he got the message and so did his co-workers he never touched me again.
Thank you for posting this Jane! It is very powerful. We need to made these discussions happen because it IS 2016 and #wearemadashellandnotgoingtotakeitanymore #Ibelievelucy #IStandWithLucy
excellent work.
I got one of those uninvited neck-rubs too, except in my case it was in a very over-packed Gladstone Hotel on January 7, 2008. It was virtually identical to what you have described, and with each story I hear I realize he must’ve done the same thing to thousands of women. I look back at the lost opportunity to call him out on it – loudly and in a room crowded with admirers – with regret.
Please dont regret. Like she very well stated “we were thought to be polite” to not stir the pot. But now you know… and I know… I remember once being in a restaurant with my ex, his father, his step mom and his brother. I said a joke…my ex did not like it. He kicked me under the table. I swallowed the pain in my throat. I could not cause a scene in the restaurant! I could not embarrass him in front of his family! Tears were in my eyes from pain and embarrassment of being once again stuck at not yelling. Never again! Now if someone hurts me, touches me I growl!!! We are learning and I dont regret I forgive myself and move on.
I am so sorry that happened to you, Nan. I am more glad that he is now your ex and you have moved on
This is thought-provoking and moving. Would it not be fairer, based on the views you’ve expressed, simply to forego a trial and sentence Ghomeshi at the same time he was charged? That would avoid the painful exercise of testimony and cross-examination for the complainants. Everyone knows he’s guilty, so what need is there for a trial?
my heart to yours. everything you say here I feel bone deep.
Thank you
Beautiful. Thank you, Jane Eaton Hamilton. And I know what “(redacted)” means.
Your words provide awareness for other women. Thank you
I feel relief at reading your words. Deep, honest relief for this honestly and your hard eloquence. Thank you. Thank you.
i feel the same kind of relief. i just share this link and recounted 2 memories of violation under misogyny. And one was a rape that happened in a hotel room. thank you thank you thank you!
Proud of you!
Yes Sandra. Thanks to her- over and over.
Reblogged this on Her Headache and commented:
Tide is rising.
High tide.
Thank you for writing this, off to share.
This is a courageous level gaze at misogyny. Thank you.
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This is a good read and speaks for all of us women who have been in this position. Thank You